I’m Okay and Divorce Update, Part 2

I finally checked back in here and saw a concerned comment from a reader – thank you so much!  It does me good to know someone out there is concerned for my well-being.

I’m okay, just busy.  I’ve been more than a little wrapped up in helping my sister sister deal with her husband who is end-stage and dying (albeit slowly).  I’ve invited her to Ohio for Thanksgiving; she was so unbelievably grateful that I feel a little ashamed for not doing so sooner.

I’ve spent a great deal of time being stressed and depressed, but at the advice of my sister-in-law (who dealt with a former spouse that was an addict), I’ve given myself some time and a deadline.  I’m giving myself the next six months to find a job and save some money; if, by March, I haven’t found a decent-paying job I’ll just bite the bullet and take two jobs so I can move out and continue looking for the “right” job.  That has done a LOT to alleviate the stress and depression.

I’m also gearing myself up to start attending Al-Anon meetings – surely that can only help, as well.  I’ve talked to enough people who tell me it’s a life-saver when given an opportunity, so I guess I’ll give it one.

As for the situation with my husband, we’re still distant (which is a huge relief, for me at least) and he’s ignoring my declaration that I intend to divorce.  I do know he’s talking to someone online (long story) and realized that I just don’t care.  He’s done a couple of things lately while drinking that would have been cause for a great deal of anger/frustration/depression in the past, but I’ve just been brushing it aside and moving on.  It’s what my therapist would have called “healing,” I think.

On that note, I had to drive him home from the office today; his stomach is upset and he has a pain in his side.  He keeps clutching the right side of his abdomen right about where his liver and pancreas are.  I’ve not said anything (to point that out would serve no purpose except to piss him off), although I did offer to take him to stat care, which he declined.

Thoughts of liver and pancreatic cancer, which is what my own alcoholic father died of, keep dancing through my head.  All that does is make me sad; what a waste of what could have been a good life it would be.

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Divorce Update, Part 1

Yesterday, when I got to the office, there was an email from my husband titled “Physical Relationship.”

Yes, my husband sent a bombshell of a personal email to my business email that I would receive when I arrived at work.

The email was interesting if for no other reason that it began by comparing him to the dog (I am not EVEN going to go there).  It also gave a summary of his version of the Big Sex Blowup of 2016 (all my fault, of course – he was the very picture of reason) and about how he’s so afraid to approach me for sex because it’s so obvious I don’t want sex (true) and shouldn’t we just strive for a platonic relationship since that’s all he can really hope for?

Since I was at work and have enough consideration for his business and his employees, and since I knew he would browbeat me until I responded, my answer was curt and to the point:

I don’t even know how to reply to this.  Your memories of what happened when we had that blowup about sex – especially the aftermath – are so different from mine that I’m totally at a loss as to how to proceed.

What kind of cooperation can I reasonably expect in the event of a divorce?  I don’t believe you’d settle for a platonic relationship in the long run.

It took a few exchanges – he wanted to ignore the question – but he finally asked me if I was asking for a divorce.  I said, “Yes.”

It took till this morning to even get him to discuss it (if you call shouting and gaslighting a discussion), which was good since I knew for a fact he was sober.  At one point he did ask if there was anything he could do to “make it all better.”

“Make it all better?” I asked.  “No.  But if you want to know if there’s anything you can do that will at least table the subject of divorce for the time being, yes there is.  You know what it is, and you won’t do it.”

Which just took us back on the merry-go-round again.  At one point he said, “You haven’t even noticed how much less I’m drinking these days, do you?”

“Sure I have, of the alcohol that’s in the house.  You haven’t been drinking that much at all lately.  Are you telling me that you’re not drinking out of that bottle you’ve got hidden in the garage?”

He mumbled and fumbled around until he admitted that yes, he is drinking out of the bottle he has hidden in the garage.  He also admitted over the course of the morning that he has no intention of seeking any sort of professional help for his problem, nor will he attend any sort of meeting on a regular basis, even the SMART Recovery meeting, because it’s too inconvenient to “have every Wednesday evening scheduled like that.”

I told him that since he had no intention of quitting, he’s choosing to put alcohol before our marriage.  We argued over that for a minute, and by the time we’d reached the office I told him I’d had enough, and yes – I still want a divorce.

We’ll see how things go from here.  I could find myself out on the street if he decides to get ugly about it.  Since I have asked him several times what kind of reasonable cooperation I can expect and have received no answer, I don’t think being booted out of the house with nothing is an impossibility.